MumtoEve

As of tomorrow, it will be 4 weeks since my itty bitty lovey baby, Ariel, was born. This first month has been quite an adventure. Not only giving birth to a baby and moving to New Jersey from Tennessee immediately after but also learning to tandem nurse. I read the book “Adventures in Tandem Nursing” prior to birthing Ariel, and thank God I did, but I dont think anything could have fully prepared me for the challenges (and joys) of tandem nursing.

I already knew that breastfeeding could be a challenge, especially in those first days/weeks. I had already been through the learning experience and the challenges with Eve when she was born and though I knew this experience could be different- I felt well prepared to deal with any problems that were thrown my way when it came to nursing Ariel. After Ariel’s birth, she latched on and nursed for an hour and a half straight. We never had any problems other than just checking her latch and correcting it when it needed correcting. Breastfeeding her was a dream come true. What other problems could there possibly be now?

After we got home from the hospital- the problems began. Reality sunk in for my sweet toddler, Eve, who at only 19 months old- is very much a baby herself. She became jealous of the baby and insecure. She started worrying that she was no longer mommys baby and decided to fight for her place as the baby. This period of time was more emotionally draining than I could ever explain. Eve would be fine one moment- playing in the yard with my husband, but if I walked out or she saw me… she would just break down. For days- the only version of Eve I saw was a screaming, tantrum throwing, whining, clinging, begging to be breastfed version. I would nurse her and try to comfort her. I told her I loved her and held her and kissed her and nursed her and nursed her and nursed her and nursed her and…well.. you get the idea.

Every night ended in me breaking down in tears. I asked people how long this transitional period lasted and the most common answer I got was 3 months. Three months?!?!? I couldnt even get through each tantrum, how would I survive three months of this. I began growing spiteful towards my breastfeeding relationship with Eve. I wished I had weaned her during the pregnancy. Sure- she might still have acted out and cried but at least I would get my boobs to myself for 2 seconds of the day.

When Ariel was about a week old- Eve was worse than ever. I brought out the worst in her. I couldnt be near her because If I was she would just go into her rage of tantrums. I cried and cried and hated breastfeeding her. It was all she wanted from me anymore and It wasnt a time I enjoyed with her because of the way she was acting about it. My friends (many from twitter) recommended setting boundaries. Set a timer, or have an activity box to distract her with when baby is nursing. I didnt think most of these methods would work with her. She wasnt bored- she wanted what the baby was getting and that was final- but I finally decided that I needed to do something. She was screaming anyways- so Iwasnt afraid of making her scream if it upset her. I WAS afraid of hurting her feelings, though, or making her feel unloved and rejected so I vowed to be gentle and reassuring with my approach.

I nursed her. While nursing her – once I started to feel like I wanted to be done (probably around 5 minutes into it…) I told her we were going to finish up nursing now and then I started to count down from 10 to 1. She found this kind of amusing. When I hit 1 I told her we were done now and I put her down. She did not find that amusing at all. She threw herself on the floor, kicked and cried. I told her I loved her but it wasn’t time anymore and then I payed her no attention while she threw her tantrum.

I continued this method of counting down at the end of nursing sessions to give her a 10 second heads up. The first few times following that first time she thought it was funny again and then acted shocked again when nursing time was over. Then she caught on and started to get a little upset once I started the countdown but… she unlatched once I hit 1 without even being asked- knowing time was up. It took less than a day for her to get the idea of what was going on.

A month into tandem nursing- she is now upset if I DONT give her that 1o second heads up. Depending on her mood she will either wait until I get down to 1 to unlatch or she will unlatch even sooner. She is still more difficult around me but nothing like that first week home from the hospital. Our relationship has changed some and we have not completely adjusted into our new roles yet. I am not totally happy with how things are still but I know there is still time for us to get closer again. She is finally able to be happy around me, even if Im nursing Ariel. I feel like mine and Eve’s relationship was shaken up for both of us with the addition of a new baby and we are both trying to reastablish ourselves now. It might sound terrible, but im realizing that I dont know how to have two babies. Once Ariel was born- i had a hard time looking at Eve as being a baby too- something that breaks my heart and would have shattered me if I knew that would happen to me prior to birthing Ariel.

Im spending more one on one time Eve but Im still trying to learn to enjoy our time together. Eve’s whiny-ness and demanding behavior when around me really made me want to be around her as little as possible for a couple weeks and now im trying to reprogram myself and my thinking to remember that she is just a baby too.

Im now able to see how it is that people said it takes about 3 months for life to get normal again with their older nursling. Im looking forward to reaching that point with Eve where our relationship is normal again and life, as a family of 4, is stable and …well.. established. I have found that going from 1 to 2 children is a big adjustment for everyone and it takes time, love, and patience …but in the end things all work out.

Tandem nursing has been a huge trial this first month but now that some boundaries have been set- it is getting easier. Not only do I limit Eves time nursing by having a countdown but I have been limiting her to 3-4 nursing sessions per day. This way, I dont feel overwhelmed and she still gets her time with mommy. We have become much happier with this arrangement and … with time… I think tandem nursing is going to become a much happier and joyful experience.

Its about time I get this story written up- so here it is!

On May 19th, 2010- my estimated due date (EDD) I felt like crap. Not because I was still pregnant but because I was suffering from extreme ear pain. My mom was visiting so she took Eve outside to play and let me shut myself up in my quiet bedroom and try to forget my pounding, aching ear. The ear pain persisted throughout the day, though, and I got no rest or comfort- despite having taken the lortab that had been prescribed to me for occasions just as this.

Also, I had mild contractions throughout the day. This was nothing new, though. These contractions were not painful (uncomfortable- yes.. but i was used to them by this point) and they were not time-able. They were the kind of contractions I had been persistently experiencing for 3 weeks.

Around 5pm, I began having more frequent contractions. These were unlike what I had previously experienced. They lasted for a time-able amount of time and were consistent. I refused to believe it was labor, though. I actually decided I was going to stop them. I layed down on my side. They continued. I drank tons of water and then layed on my side again. They continued. I let more time pass but not only did they continue (at 3-5 minutes a part) but they began growing in intensity. At this point we decided we should begin packing whatever we may need just in case it was really labor (I was the only one questioning whether it was truly labor or not).

By 8pm, the contractions were painful enough that I new we needed to go because If they got any more painful- I didnt think I could tolerate the hour long car ride to the hospital. I decided to just have my doula meet us at the hospital since I didnt want to labor any longer at home.

I got to the hospital at 9pm and was checked. I was 5 centimeters dilated. Half way there! Because I was attempting a VBAC I was hooked up to external fetal monitors that were required to be constant for me. I also had tested GPS positive so I have a hep lock put in to receive antibiotic meds through.

I continued to labor in bed for awhile and the contractions continued to get stronger and stronger by the hour. My doula met us there and helped to remind me to keep do low, deep moans and keep my body relaxed. For a couple hours I was able to follow these instructions, with her reminders.

Im not sure of the exact time but a few hours later the midwife, a midwife from my practice who I had never met prior to this day and quickly grew to dislike, checked me again and said I was at 5 1/2. That’s it? I only got 1/2 a centimeter? I was devastated over this, though my support group (my husband, doula, and mom) all seemed supportive and confident and tried to tell me that was fine.

I got out of bed for awhile, making the nurses come in repetitive to fix my monitors- since I would shift them and cause them to lose the babys heartrate, and move around and shift. I think I started crying around this time and the phrase “I can’t do this” became the most common words coming out of my mouth to my wonderful husband. He kept reminding me that I could and that I was doing great and helped support me through each contraction.

More hours passed.

I was exhausted and had completely given up on keeping my body relaxed during contractions. The pain was overwhelming and my body tightened up nomatter how hard I tried to not let it. Sleep deprivation and exhaustion (much of which was from the ear pain prior to even going into labor) made me a big wimp and I just cried.

By this point, my midwife had already come into the room several times, trying to talk me into getting an epidural and pitocin to help me dilate quicker.  My husband looked as if he could bite her head off each time and reminded her of our birth plan which specificly said not to offer it..we knew it was available and would ask for it (the pain relief meds) if needed. I sat there, gave her dirty looks, moaned and cried during contractions and then told her no.

around 5am….the midwife returned to tell me I needed assistance in dilating. She said I was not progressing fast enough and they needed to intervene if I didnt want a repeat cesarean. She asked me why I was so opposed to getting an epidural. I told her my fear that it would cause my labor to stall and raise my chances of a repeat cesarean. She told me that I wasnt progressing anyway.  I reminded her that it had been hours since I was last checked. So… she checked me… and said I was at a 6. A6. That was it. I broke down then and started contracting and screamed at her to get off my bed (she had been sitting at the end of it glaring at me with a very fake look of a concern that resembled more a look of impatience). Jason kicked her out of the room at that point so him and I could talk.

I was so tired but devastated. I knew I was now leaning towards the epidural. I had been in labor for 13 hours and had only dilated 1 centimeter in all the time I had been there. I was exhausted, unable to relax during contractions and getting nowhere. We agreed to get an epidural at that time and pitocin.

I sobbed the entire time the anesthesiologists were there. Sobbed uncontrollably. Not because I was in pain but because I was so emotionally and physically exhausted and had given up and given in to an epidural and was terrified of what it would mean for me and the rest of my birth experience.  My mom later said that she was able to hear me sobbing out in the hall even though the door was closed. Jason stood there and held me tried to be a comfort to me while they numbed the area and put the epidural in place. I think having the hep lock put in was actually more painful than that. I barely felt a pinch.

After they left I felt one contraction- mildly- and then nothing. At one point I wondered if it was actually working so well that I couldnt feel a thing or if my worst fear had happened… and my labor had come to a dead stop. The bag of pitocin was hooked up and I went to sleep.

I slept for 4 hours in some of the best sleep I have ever had.

When I woke up it was 11am on May 20th. I asked for something to throw up in. Im not sure why I needed to throw up. I felt fine. Still not a single contraction could be felt and i was well rested. No pain at all. the nurse came int o check on me and when I told her I had been throwing up he looked hopefull and said it could mean something. I was at a loss for what it meant at that point. My midwife came in then- A different midwife! The shift had changed and this was a much nicer, like-able midwife. I was so relieved to have someone new there.

Jason had just stepped out of the room to go get some breakfast and hot tea for my mom when the midwife decided to check me. I was fully dilated and the babies head was all the way down and ready to go! My mom quickly called Jason and told him to get back because it was time to push out the baby! I couldnt believe I was fully dilated. I had labored for all those hours and had next to no progress but 4 hours of sleep with the epidural…. and now I was ready to push!

I asked the midwife what kind of position I could push in that would lesson my chance of tearing with the epidural in. She recommended my side and the nurses helped me get into position while Jason made his way back to the room. When he got back the nurses were all done prepping and the NICU staff was there and ready (when my midwife checked me she got a lock of meconium off of the baby so they wanted the NICU staff there and ready).

They helped direct me on how to push while not feeling and waited until the monitored showed me contracting to let me know it was time to push. They even rolled a mirror into place so I could see- which hadnt been something I had asked for but was grateful for it and it turned out to be a great modivation to get me pushing good! With just one contraction her head was dropped all the way down and I could easily view the top of her head in the mirror.

A cuplemore contractions and then she movd down to a spot where the nurses couldnt get her heartrate on the monitor. Even though we all knew the baby had been fine- the nurses got really panicked about not being able to track that heart rate. So- I was moved onto my back and for the last push… was asked to really really push push push and get her out. We… I did. I birthed her vaginally. Because of the meconium they wouldnt allow waiting for her umbilical cord to stp pulsing before cutting it. It was immedietly cut so that the NICU nurses could clear out her lungs int he little bed right next to mine. This wasnt what I had wanted or hoped for but I was so high on just having VBAC’d my baby- I couldnt find it in me to be upset either. I could see her and my husband went over and took pictures and, withine minutes, she was layed on me. I held my baby Ariel and tried to process all that had happened.

I had a small internal tear that needed a few stitches and an external tear that was more of an abrasion and needed no stitches.

the first time I breastfed my baby Ariel she nursed for over an hour straight!

When she finally got weighed and measured (we waited until after I could hold her for awhile and nurse her)- she was 8 Lbs and 5 oz and 21 1/4 inches long. Not a huge baby but a good solid sized baby in my book.

Ariel is now 3 weeks old and doing fantastic. She is up to 9Lbs 3oz’s and wearing 0-3month clothing already (Eve was in newborn sized clothing for a month!). She is a great nurser and a calm baby (though, she does get awful awful gasy belly aches!). I feel 100% now and cant even tell a tore (though- the first week.. i very much could tell! it was a huge ouch to go pee!).  thanks for waiting so long and so patiently for this story!

I watched a video today on youtube that one of my twitter friends recommended. It was a woman reading in front of a group of woman about friendships and the ups and the downs and parenthood and just how, through it all, those mom friends had each others backs and always was there for one another. It made me sad because I tried to think of a single person in my own life that is like that for me, never the less a group of women. I cannot come up with one.

I do have a best friend (and pretty much my only friend) back in New Jersey. We keep in touch and are as close as we can be for people who have 900 miles of space between us but we cannot relate with each other in most aspects of life anymore. I have gotten married, moved out with my husband, and have had a baby and have one more on the way. She, like the more average person in our age group- is in college, living at home, dating and not thinking about diaper rash, engorged boobs, and what to do with the placenta after giving birth. We love each other dearly but we are in two separate worlds. And even if we werent- we live nowhere near one another. I cannot call her on a bad day and ask her to come over. We cant go out shopping or to coffee shops together like we used to.  So, who do I turn to when I need an immediete- real life- in person friend?

Of course, there is my husband. He is patient and loving and sees how hard moving away (despite the fact that we made this move nearly 3 years ago) has been on me. He tried to be my everything but reality is, he cannot be all in one. He can’t be my husband, my best friend, my girl friend, my mom-friends. He tries his best but it is an impossible goal for anyone to be everything to one person.

I often call my mom. Ok, I call my mom beyond often. I call her daily. Heck, many days I call her multiple times in the day. She has been trying to fill the gap for me where my life is lacking of social contacts. She is a mom, so she can relate to mom issues, though she is in a very different phase of motherhood and often doesnt remember what it was like having a toddler and i cant  say i can relate to her stage of motherhood either. And, once again, she is 900 miles away in New Jersey.

I have gone to churches, mom groups, small groups, talked to moms i didnt know in the library- anything and everything trying to meet a real friend. For some reason- I seem to be socially retarded, though. Am I not trying hard enough or am I just not the type of person anyone wants to befriend?

I do talk to a large group of other moms on twitter. They are my friends and the women who i can talk all about mom issues with. They really are my social saviors 80% of the time. I dont know what I would do without my social media people.

I still have days and times that I wish I could call someone and ask them to hang out, though. Days when i want a friend to meet me at the library with their toddler and then head out to lunch with us afterwords. I want someone to have girls nights out with. I want friends who can come over with their husbands and we can have huge game nights with chips and dips while the kids all play together.

I sometimes wonder if I will ever get that. Will I find that person that I bond with and we form such a tight knit relationship that we become life long best friends? Or will I always be so socially retarded and trying to ask my husband and mom to meet more of my social needs than they possibly ever could?

*sorry if this came off whiny. Its just something i have been dealing with and this seemed like a good place to vent**

I want to apologize for my lack of updates lately. Have you ever gone through a time where you think all the planets, gods and any other thing out there must have lined up against you? Im not one of those poor me- everyone is out to get me people but this is the time i have been going through.

Everything has been moving forward without any issues for me to have a successful VBAC (whether at home or at a hospital with Midwives). Then I began having earaches. I ignored them and they grew. I went to the walgreens walk in clinic (because Im lazy and dont like going to real doctors) and they said my eardrum didnt look right to them but they werent sure if it was infected or not. They prescribed me antibiotics just in case, though. After 7 days of antibiotics- My ear continued to hurt and the pain began spreading out in the entire area surrounding my ear. So I finally broke down and found an EMT at Vanderbilt Hospital.

Flashback- I have a history of many many ear surgeries and hearing loss. I had my first surgery at 4 years old and they were ongoing up until I was around 18 years old. Right before my wedding, my doctor said my left eardrum was in terrible condition and that I needed to have reconstructive surgery done it because it was caving in and he was afraid of it collapsing. Within months, though, I got married and my husband and I moved to Tennessee. I then never found another doctor, since I was afraid to just go to anyone for an area that makes me so nervous to be messed with. Until now.

I went to this EMT and they did a hearing test to find that I am at a 50 decimal hearing loss in my left ear. They looked in and saw that my eardrum is in extremely poor condition and caving in. Having reconstructive surgery is the only long term solution but they said they can put a tube in to relieve some pressure so that I can get a full year of breastfeeding in, once the baby is born, without disrupting the process with surgery. They want to hold off until after I deliver to put the tube in because of the chance of preterm labor (if I were to get too much anxiety from having this procedure done it could cause preterm labor… ) but if I absolutely cannot wait until then, they will put the tube in sooner. At the time, I agreed to wait it out.

Now…it has been a week since that appointment the pain has progressed. There have been days (including 90% of easter day) that I spent the day in bed, crying because it hurt so bad and tylenol didnt relieve any of it. They finally just prescribed me some lortab, which is helping but not something I want to be on 24/7 for the next 6 weeks.

There is nothing like a good dose of pain to get you over the fear of surgery while awake (i’ll be awake when the tube is put in). The other day, while I was crying in pain- I just thought about how I couldnt make it to full term. I can go 6 weeks like this and at that moment -after 8 months of caring and praying and hoping and planning for a VBAC0 I did not care how this baby came out- as long as she got out of me ASAP so I could have surgery and some relief. I just wanted to shout: why now? Why while im in my 3rd trimester and working so hard towards a natural birth does my body have to start acting out against me? I am a bit more balanced now and my thinking is straighter  and i am now thinking I will have the tube put in before delivering. If I can stay calm through the process- the risk of preterm-labor is zero to none.

So, I am in the process of trying to get a hold of the doctors and schedule to have the tube put in. Anyways, this is why I have not been updating. My mind has just been elsewhere i suppose. Thank you for your patience and coming to look for updates during my absence. I promise to soon be normal and back to my old blogging self! I will update soon and hopefully, be pain-free and clear minded in the near future.

Myself and Jason T. Bedell (from JTB consulting- for educational technology consulting) will be putting together a resource article/post together about the use of technology for homeschooling families. This articles purpose to to provide families with many age and subject related technology sources that can help them in presenting school subjects in a different manner that could help their child/ren stay stimulated, interested and better understand the material. In order to provide the best information as we can- we are asking any and all families who homeschool to fill out the following questionnaire.  Thank you for your participation and if you know of any other families who could participate in this survey- please pass it on to them.

I have noticed that my top fear and concern this pregnancy is this baby not turning head down. When I was 37wks pregnant with my daughter, Eve,  I found she was still breech and was given a few options of what could be done. I could have an external version or I could schedule my c-section (and hope that she turns by that date). Since my number one goal was to avoid a c-section I went for the external version. On a side note, I had spent the previous 2 weeks laying in a position that was recommended by my doctor to get her to turn but it didnt turn her.  The external version failed to turn her and the very next day I ended up beginning labor and had a cesarean.

Now, pregnant with my second daughter and having done much more reading and research, I know that there are many other routes I could have gone to encourage my first daughter to turn. I still have this doomed type feeling, though, that I may do everything I know to do and this baby will not turn.  With Eve, I may not have done all the right things or nearly as many of the things that are out there to turn her, but I did all that i knew to do and tried my very hardest to avoid that cesarean.

Now, at 29wks pregnant- I can feel this babys feet kicking low down and the round bulge of her head right under my right rib. This is exactly how I used to feel Eve.  Though I know it is early to really begin applying all the baby turning techniques out there- I am anxious to begin and have started applying some more basic ones to my day already. I feel a bit on the obsessive side about the need to see this little girl turn but I just know that I need to do anything and everything to prevent another unnecessary cesarean.

Though here in the U.S. it has become overwhelmingly the norm for a breech baby to automatically equal being a cesarean baby- I do not feel that breech positioning should automatically doom a mother and baby to a cesarean delivery. In many other developed countries a wide percentage of the population will deliver breech babies vaginally and they have equal (and even better) fetal and maternal outcomes. Of course, delivering a breech baby vaginally also requires finding someone who would allow a breech delivery (unless the mother choice to go unassisted). In the U.S. that would be the most challenging part of the breech delivery since there are very few OBs left who will allow them and even most CNM’s and CPM’s aren’t able to because of state laws.

So, many U.S. women just have to accept that their baby being breech will lead to a cesarean section. There are several way to encourage a baby to turn and though I do not know of all of them I will list the ones I know of and am/will be using to turn this baby if she doesnt turn herself very soon-

• applying ice to the top of your stomach and warmth (like a heating pad) to the bottom- near your pelvis
• using good maternal posture (click here for link of posture)
• Breech Tilt positioning
• Rebozo technique
• Inversion positioning
• Webster Technique with a chiropractor
• acupuncture

For more information on getting baby to turn you can also visit spinning babies.

Birth Affirmation of the day: My baby will find the perfect position for birth